A Tiny Chapter Of My Life - In The Open...

I found this chat from long long ago, buried somewhere in my inbox.  

I had only 1 love in my life. He was the only person who could break my heart. Let's call him T. We were friends and I guess I was in a relationship before I got into one with him. In the chat below, I was upset that my earlier boyfriend, (I am not giving any name to him here because he is a great friend of mine now) was not getting enough time to talk to me. 

This chat happened sometime when I was in my 2nd Yr of college (3 yrs ago) . T was a friend then and I don't quite know how we got together. Though, I remember EXACTLY how we broke up.   

I really don't know why I am putting my life so out in the open here.

I hope it won't come biting back at me.

I hope you forgive me for all the typos and sms lingo used, but changing any part of the chat just seemed to decrease the whole 'feel' of it.

I know it seems long, but they are short sentences, and so it doesn't take beyond a few mins to read.
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T: you still ther ekiddo?

 me: yea

 T: sowwie

  :)

 me: :)

  no probs

 T: how you feeling?

12:10 AM me: umm ok :(

  but not very good...

 T: awwww... its gonna be alright... pat! pat!!

 me: damn i wish i never got into this mess

12:11 AM relationships are but a big mess

 T: dont feel like that.. you explored a part of you which you couldnt have otherwise... and you will walk out of this mess a smarter person

12:12 AM me: hopefully

  frndship is so much more simpler

 T: arre.... I promise you thin

  *this

 me: well i wonder if i will ever recover from a heart break

12:13 AM T: yes you will

 me: nomatter i break upor he does...it will b a heart break

 T: all of us do kiddo

 me: yaar the way u call me kiddo...i like it...

 T: thought you hated me for it :D

 me: hehe

12:14 AM well it feels endearing

 T: well....

  I wish I was there with you today in hyd...

  you could have used a hug and an outing with me :D

 me: aaw thts such a sweet thing to say...

12:15 AM yeah

  well forget the outing...i could have used a real shoulder to cry on

 T: well... you have your sis

  you can confide in her

12:16 AM me: naa

  she's too young to understand

 T: hehe... you think so? maybe you underestimate her....

  just like I may undersestimate you

  :)

12:17 AM me: hehe

  no...its jus tht...she isnt in the age to really understand relationships

12:18 AM T: hmmm.... ok

  call up the goody boy

  lets use him for something atleast

  :P

 me: hehe

  well..lemme tell u onething

  the goody boy n bad boy r dead enemies

  they cant stand each other

12:19 AM T: perfect....

  you can have a good abusing session of the bad boy together

  you would feel much lighter

  :D

  then you can be a real bitch.. and tell the goody one you still like the bad boy.. and you are sowwie 

  :P

  :D

 me: haha the good boy is too good to do tht....well it so happened tht i had a crush on the good boy...

12:20 AM T: how does that sound?

 me: and then the good guy n bad guy were roomies...

 T: :O

 me: i made fnds with the bad guy only for the good guy

 T: Oooooo Miss Nicky!!!! tsk! tsk!!

  naughty! naughty!

 me: listen...

  i fell for the bad guy...harder

12:21 AM anddidnt tell the good guy...cause i thought he was too good

  to have such feelings towards me

  actually the good guy had nother girl tagging along him

  whom he told off...

  quite badly...

12:22 AM due to this...i thought...tht would happen to me too

  but then he told tht girl off...just cause he liked me!!!

  but i learnt tht quite late...

12:23 AM thr?

 T: yup

  but wat difference does that make?

  you dont like the goody boy ... do you?

 me: i dunno!!

12:24 AM T: oye!

 me: its like...my heart says yes...but then...my body says no!!

  to the bad boy its the opp...

  my body says yes...my heart says no

  and btwn all this i hate relationsips

 T: find a guy for whom both your body and heart cry out

 me: wish i was back in 3rd class

12:25 AM T: the way I see it... you body isnt getting much from the bad boy anyways cause he several hundred kilometers away from you

  and your body wont get anything from the goody boy

12:26 AM so its a loss both ways

  and you neednt feel guilty for the way your body desires

  find a guy for whom both your body and heart cry out

 me: so onfusing yaar

12:27 AM T: arreee?

  whats confusing you?

  do you think there is a nuclear holocaust and that there are only 2 guys left on this planet kya?

 me: hahaa

  i wish

 T: you wish?

12:28 AM what vedhava I am talking to man!

  sheeeeeesh!

 me: hehee

  i wish...cause then thr wouldnt b a prob for me to stick to one :P

  the world

  the worl'd fate rests in my beaing able to procreate....:P

  world's*

  being*

12:29 AM T: arre gudiya

  what are you so messed up over?

12:30 AM me: i m messed up over god knows wht...!!!

 T: please dont tell me that you are feelin any guilt or duty towards stayin in a relationship?

 me: i dont wanna break the relationship

 T: dont be an idiot

 me: maybe he really is busy...

 T: if it is driving you nuts... then break it

  be strong

12:31 AM be the woman you want yourself to be

  dont stay stuck and despise yourself for nothing

 me: u know...

  i am the kind who tells people to break up...when thrs a prob

  and then when it comes to me

12:32 AM i dunno whts keeping me in

 T: you tell me...

  I know you can tell me what it is keeping you in?

  desire?

12:33 AM or some misplaced feelings of loyalty?

 me: well he is basically a nice fellow...

  and i had gr8 times with him

  he might b the only person in the world who knows wht he does abt me

12:34 AM and he is the only person with whom i ever did wht i did...

  and then those beautiful moments

  i jus dont wanna lose

 T: that can be easily cured.. tell all of it to someone else too... then you will have 2 people knowing that much about you :D

  those moments are in past...

  and you dont seem to be getting any more of them

 me: i am...but they dont feel the same

12:35 AM T: in what way?

 me: its like...well...he's always n a hurry...so we usually end up doing wht he likes...

  its like...he tells me...lets skip tht part...

12:36 AM aand so i m like...fine

 T: but you want the skipped part dont you?

 me: yea

 T: so you are not getting what you want anymore

  are you?

 me: no

  not much

12:37 AM T: then what are you getting?

  tell me something....

 me: and then...i wonder if we can still stay frnds

 T: are you feeling that you are giving more than you are reciecving in this relationship constantly... and that leaves you a little drained every time you talk to him?

  NO!!!!

 me: yea

12:38 AM T: I strongly suggest against staying friends...

 me: why?

 T: you know why

 me: u have been frnds for 5 yrs...werent u?

 T: and it has led to nonthing

  nothing at all

12:39 AM me: well...i m also afraid of breaking the frndship

 T: sigh!!!

 me: we were best frnds bfr

 T: nicky....

  kiddo... you have to untangle yourself

 me: i told u its complicated

 T: and get things clearer in your head

  its not complicated

12:40 AM its simple

  you are only making this complicated

  by wanting things that arent there

  you are unwilling to sacrifice in order to succeed

 me: tht statement seems so true...

12:41 AM i have been living in const frust for a long time...

  for a whole damn sem really

  well...they have hols from tomorrow....

  i will give him one last chance

12:42 AM he couldnt possibly be burdended with work

  then

12:43 AM T: what difference does that make?

  what will happen when he is burdened with work again?

 me: well its not abt his work...

  its abt him...

  if he's really busy...

  i dont mind

12:44 AM T: sigh!

12:45 AM fine

  have it your way

  when you are tired

  then consider what I am telling you...

 me: he's begging now :P

 T: fine

  do what you want

12:48 AM me: i guess one last chance...isnt too bad

 T: do what you want

12:49 AM but start counting the number of chances you are affording him

  and the time of your life wasted everytime you give him another chance

12:53 AM ????

 me: wait

  somethin serious goin on

 T: wokay

19 minutes

1:12 AM me: thr?

 T: yup

1:13 AM me: he always does this...sheesh

  n i m smiling agn

 T: congratulations

 me: well he has one lst chance...

1:14 AM and guess he really doesnt have time...

  he hasnt slept for 2 days

 T: cool

  then you are happy

 me: i dunno...well...maybe the situation improves after 3rd yr

1:15 AM T: maybe

 me: look at the chat 
            Ex: look man....u shud be angry...u have the rt..but dont take it to heart yaar
            Me: i havent ever adjusted man...ever...u r the first person...
                   i never cried for a person in my life yaar...
                   never ever...not for myself
                   well one more chance...

1:17 AM T: hmmm

  then?

 me: well...he kinda cooled me down...and promised he will b bttr

 T: cool then

1:18 AM me: for how long...i dunno...but well i made things clear...

  he gets one more chance

 T: good

1:19 AM me: well i gotta go get some sleep

 T: sure

  sleep tight

 me: get my mind clear

 T: take care

 me: thanks :)

1:20 AM u have been a great help

  and right now u r wondering wht u got urself into

 T: not so sure about that

  :)

  no...

  but yea...

  I learnt something else

  :D

  chalo

1:21 AM you goto sleep

  and take care

 me: hehe u learnt something?

 T: yea I did

  search for alternative

1:22 AM sorry that wasnt for you

 me: hehe

  wht did u leanr?

 T: forget it

  it isnt for you

  its for me

  :D

 me: com on

  tell me

  spread ur knowledge

1:23 AM T: hehe....

  you dont want to know

  believe me

 me: no man

  tell me

  no prob...how horribly bad it is

  and i promise no debates

1:24 AM T: hmmm

  ok .. if you insist...

1:25 AM I learnt that it is no use telling people what you think is right... no matter how smart that person is .. everyone takes their own time to figure out things... and one should be a good friend and listen.. but not advise... people will only hear to their own hearts and the wounds of time

  but not to unsolicited advise

  thats what I learnt

1:26 AM me: wow

1:27 AM well...

  dont always consider this so

  it might not always be true

1:28 AM i had the uts to give him a piece of my mind jus cause of u

  so ur advise didnt really go all wasted

 T: hehe

1:29 AM fine

  I dunno

  but I wish you luck

  hope that he uses this chance that you have given him

  and you guys do well together

 me: u were a lot of help...i feel much lighter

  hopefully

1:30 AM if not i wont have regrets

  tht maybe it might have worked out later

 T: yup

  true

 me: well thanks dear...u were a gr8 help...

 T: chalo

1:31 AM gnite

 me: i shouldnt say this...but maybe this is how having an older bro feels like...

  and hopefully u dont mind me calling u a bro

  :P

 T: haha

1:32 AM yea... just dont make a habit of calling me one

  :P

  now go sleep

 me: hehee

  ok gudnite

 T: and stop bothering me

 me: hehe

 T: :P

 me: cya

  :P

  byee

  see my bak bak got to u

  byee

 T: bye

 _________________________________________________________________________________

If you didn't notice: 

1. I called my first heartbreak - my brother 

2. I was referred to as 'bitch' for the first time in recorded history. (Refer the 'red' sentence)